We have a bit of a problem with our politicians being disgraced, indicted, and passing laws that well and truly screw us. Luckily, this is a pretty easy fix.
First, anytime someone runs for office, the attorney general of their state will launch an immediate probe into them for anything they have vowed to fight. If a politician vows to be a beacon in the fog of corruption, we will tap their phones and dig into their finances. If they claim to hate homosexuality or any form of sexual impropriety, they will be tailed to see if they are coming onto underage staffers or cruising in public restrooms. If they are running on a campaign restoring dignity to an office, they will be tested for any signs of dignity.
Believe me, this will save us a lot of re-elections and emergency appointments.
Second, as stated before, no politician will be able to vote on a bill unless they can prove they understand what it means.
Finally, all lobbyists will be sent to companies for medical, pharmaceutical, and beauty product testing, replacing the animals they currently use, thus helping solve the problem of animal cruelty.
Showing posts with label companies own your government. Show all posts
Showing posts with label companies own your government. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
This fucking economy.
Let's talk about the big elephant in the room: the decaying corpse that is our economy.
I'm going to be honest. This one isn't going to be easy. But it will be a whole lot easier if all the experts would just stop making it worse. So let's fix it.
The health of the economy is simply a matter of perception. If everyone thinks things are fine, they'll keep spending money and investing and all that crap people with money do. But people tell them the economy is bad, and then the people with the money shove it in rich people matresses (banks), shove it in super-rich people matresses (Swiss banks) or give it to Ponzi schemers to piss away.
So, first things first. Any experts or pundits found making public statements that the economy is troubled will be put to death. Their organs will be harvested, thus helping solve the problem of people dying. The remains will be fed to the polar bears.
Politicians who do not hold an advanced degree in economics from a respectable institution of higher learning will not be allowed to publicly disparage the efficacy of an economic package. In fact, in order to vote on any given bill, politicians will be required to pass a short aptitude test on the subject of the legislation. The exam will be written by a non-partisan group of experts. This will solve the problem of terrible laws being passed.
The government will then pay unemployed people to be the new experts and pundits, who will tell people to go ahead and invest their money and buy stuff. This will help solve unemployment and get money back into the economy.
Next, we'll convert all publicly traded companies back into private companies. With no stocks, there will be no more stockmarket crashes. There will also be no more stockbrokers.
In fact, any job wherein you are not producing a good or providing a service that can be explained to a 6 year-old will be eliminated. These are jobs that siphon money out of the economy and give it to people who buy yachts and name them "Camilleon." Stockbrokers will be given jobs as stockboys so they can keep their existing business cards with minor modifications.
With no board of directors or stockholders to answer to, companies will be held accountable for their actions at the executive level. All white collar crimes will be punishable by death.
The myth of corporate citizenship will also be put to death, so companies can't pretend they have all the rights of a person with none of the responsibilities. Companies will no longer be able to call campaign donation caps a violation of their right to free speech. This will help put an end to companies owning our government, and then making them pass laws that benefit them in the short-term while dooming the long-term health of the economy.
So, in short: stop calling it a depression before it's a depression. No more jobs that can't be explained in under 30 seconds at a dinner party. Corporations stop trying to suck the life out of people like they're wheatgrass at a Jamba Juice. Bing bang boom, economy's fixed.
I'm going to be honest. This one isn't going to be easy. But it will be a whole lot easier if all the experts would just stop making it worse. So let's fix it.
The health of the economy is simply a matter of perception. If everyone thinks things are fine, they'll keep spending money and investing and all that crap people with money do. But people tell them the economy is bad, and then the people with the money shove it in rich people matresses (banks), shove it in super-rich people matresses (Swiss banks) or give it to Ponzi schemers to piss away.
So, first things first. Any experts or pundits found making public statements that the economy is troubled will be put to death. Their organs will be harvested, thus helping solve the problem of people dying. The remains will be fed to the polar bears.
Politicians who do not hold an advanced degree in economics from a respectable institution of higher learning will not be allowed to publicly disparage the efficacy of an economic package. In fact, in order to vote on any given bill, politicians will be required to pass a short aptitude test on the subject of the legislation. The exam will be written by a non-partisan group of experts. This will solve the problem of terrible laws being passed.
The government will then pay unemployed people to be the new experts and pundits, who will tell people to go ahead and invest their money and buy stuff. This will help solve unemployment and get money back into the economy.
Next, we'll convert all publicly traded companies back into private companies. With no stocks, there will be no more stockmarket crashes. There will also be no more stockbrokers.
In fact, any job wherein you are not producing a good or providing a service that can be explained to a 6 year-old will be eliminated. These are jobs that siphon money out of the economy and give it to people who buy yachts and name them "Camilleon." Stockbrokers will be given jobs as stockboys so they can keep their existing business cards with minor modifications.
With no board of directors or stockholders to answer to, companies will be held accountable for their actions at the executive level. All white collar crimes will be punishable by death.
The myth of corporate citizenship will also be put to death, so companies can't pretend they have all the rights of a person with none of the responsibilities. Companies will no longer be able to call campaign donation caps a violation of their right to free speech. This will help put an end to companies owning our government, and then making them pass laws that benefit them in the short-term while dooming the long-term health of the economy.
So, in short: stop calling it a depression before it's a depression. No more jobs that can't be explained in under 30 seconds at a dinner party. Corporations stop trying to suck the life out of people like they're wheatgrass at a Jamba Juice. Bing bang boom, economy's fixed.
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