Killing Sprees.

Touchy subject. Still, probably worth solving.

Suicide is a terrible thing. It may seem like a victimless solution to someone in the throes of depression, but to the grieving friends and family left behind, the loss is real and painful beyond imagination.

The only thing worse is to take someone with you. Murder is the ultimate act of selfishness. It is the mindless and irreversible assertion that your wants and needs outweigh those of anyone else. We will not be solving murder yet. But we will tackle the multiple victim murder sprees that are occurring at an alarming and increasing rate.

The people that commit these horrible acts are unbalanced, to say the least. They are susceptible to suggestion. They are lonely. Without anyone to love, they can only focus on themselves. They are lazy. Why get to the root of why everyone shuns them when they can just kill them off?

When one of these shootings (and it's always shootings, isn't it?) occurs, the media circus that erupts around it is like a beacon to their damaged minds: "I'm ignored. I'm going to die forgotten. Unless I kill the people that torment me, cementing my place in history." And then they kill themselves, in the ultimate act of cowardice.

You want to be remembered, douchebag? Fine, but it's going to be on our terms.

Here's the deal. The next time this happens (and it will; sorry, this isn't a quick fix), we report the story. Then we move on. There will be no in-depth fucking tutorial on how he bought the weapons and planned the attack. There will be no round-the-clock punditry blaming video games or junk food for the actions of an unloved, unimaginative idiot.

What will the 24-hour news networks do with all the extra time they aren't spending on this frivolous coverage? There will be these two essential follow-ups, and then the issue is buried with the dead.

First, a brief and respectful mourning for the loss of life and celebration of the lives of the victims.

Second, a vicious, relentless attack on the character of the perpetrator. Every name he was called, every pimple, every failure, every shortcoming as a human being, in short, everything that drove him to kill will be broadcast to the world.

The subsequent generations of potential spree murderers will not see an aloof killer who terrified the hearts of a nation. They will see all their worst fears come to life: Here's a picture of the killer when he was stood up by his prom date. Here's his 6th grade diary detailing his constant struggle with nocturnal emissions. Here's his expulsion letter from Space Camp.

In short order, spree killings will fade as the misanthropes realize that they will go down in history as that which they hate most: themselves.

Oh, also, we won't make it so goddamn easy to buy a handgun and/or automatic weapon when you have a documented history of mental instability and/or poor judgment. This will also help solve the problems of gang violence and Texas.

Introduction and the eradication of hurricanes.

Hello, and welcome to "No need to thank me." This is a blog wherein I solve the world's problems. You may be wondering how I am able to succeed where the greatest minds of the world of failed. The answer is simple.

Solving one problem creates more problems. It's the nature of the universe. Everything is interrelated. So I'm not solving one problem at a time. I'm solving them all.

I'm sure you've heard of Chaos Theory, which was invented by Jeff Goldblum. It states that the movement of air from a butterfly's wings can cause a hurricane on the other side of the world. This brings us to our first solution:

There will be no more hurricanes if we kill all the butterflies.

Ah, but what of the butterflies' natural predators? Simple, we will dye moths to look like butterflies; they will eat the moths instead. This will also solve the problem of moths eating your sweaters and is part of the solution to animals that confuse me because they are too similar.

Where will we get all the dye for the moths? We will take it from the goths, the first step in solving the problem of goths annoying the fuck out of everybody.

But what of lepidopterists, whose hobby is the collection and study of butterflies? They will now collect stamps. The resulting increase in the demand for stamps will help stabilize the floundering U.S. Post Office.

No need to thank me.

Technical note:
As I add the components to this super--or shall we say, final--solution, I will be cross-linking all of the problems to help latecomers and those whose brains are too small to grasp the complexity of my plan. Early on, many of these will simple link back to the site. Eventually this web of answers to the world's most complicated solutions will be complete, at which point you should look away if your I.Q. is less than 180. Because your head will fucking explode.