Earth is quickly becoming overcrowded as our population continues to explode. In short order, the demands of this bulging mass of humanity will outstrip what our beleaguered planet can provide. Then things will get ugly fast.
The solution here is pretty simple. Mandatory, reversible vasectomies to every male child born, starting today. This will solve:
Overpopulation.
The futility of abstinence education.
Trapping someone into a relationship with an "accidental" pregnancy.
Orphans (except the dead parents kind).
Those sense-raping commercials for NuvaRing®.
And perhaps most importantly, unprepared, unwilling, and incapable parents. You can still have kids. You just need to pass a test. This will be a simple test. A straightforward test. It will be as follows:
Do you want a baby?
Why do you want a baby?
Do you know what to do with the baby once you get it? Please elaborate.
Are you going to give your baby a terrible name (e.g., something you can buy or eat)?
Are you going to pass your prejudices, ignorance, and anger on to your baby or will you instead attempt to make it a better person than you?
If you can pass this test, you will get your vasectomy temporarily reversed (or sperm donor, etc.).
This will solve everything until the population shrinks to endangered species size.
Of course, this will create a small problem with Catholicism. This will be easily solved by electing a Pope that doesn't hate fun.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Killing Sprees.
Touchy subject. Still, probably worth solving.
Suicide is a terrible thing. It may seem like a victimless solution to someone in the throes of depression, but to the grieving friends and family left behind, the loss is real and painful beyond imagination.
The only thing worse is to take someone with you. Murder is the ultimate act of selfishness. It is the mindless and irreversible assertion that your wants and needs outweigh those of anyone else. We will not be solving murder yet. But we will tackle the multiple victim murder sprees that are occurring at an alarming and increasing rate.
The people that commit these horrible acts are unbalanced, to say the least. They are susceptible to suggestion. They are lonely. Without anyone to love, they can only focus on themselves. They are lazy. Why get to the root of why everyone shuns them when they can just kill them off?
When one of these shootings (and it's always shootings, isn't it?) occurs, the media circus that erupts around it is like a beacon to their damaged minds: "I'm ignored. I'm going to die forgotten. Unless I kill the people that torment me, cementing my place in history." And then they kill themselves, in the ultimate act of cowardice.
You want to be remembered, douchebag? Fine, but it's going to be on our terms.
Here's the deal. The next time this happens (and it will; sorry, this isn't a quick fix), we report the story. Then we move on. There will be no in-depth fucking tutorial on how he bought the weapons and planned the attack. There will be no round-the-clock punditry blaming video games or junk food for the actions of an unloved, unimaginative idiot.
What will the 24-hour news networks do with all the extra time they aren't spending on this frivolous coverage? There will be these two essential follow-ups, and then the issue is buried with the dead.
First, a brief and respectful mourning for the loss of life and celebration of the lives of the victims.
Second, a vicious, relentless attack on the character of the perpetrator. Every name he was called, every pimple, every failure, every shortcoming as a human being, in short, everything that drove him to kill will be broadcast to the world.
The subsequent generations of potential spree murderers will not see an aloof killer who terrified the hearts of a nation. They will see all their worst fears come to life: Here's a picture of the killer when he was stood up by his prom date. Here's his 6th grade diary detailing his constant struggle with nocturnal emissions. Here's his expulsion letter from Space Camp.
In short order, spree killings will fade as the misanthropes realize that they will go down in history as that which they hate most: themselves.
Oh, also, we won't make it so goddamn easy to buy a handgun and/or automatic weapon when you have a documented history of mental instability and/or poor judgment. This will also help solve the problems of gang violence and Texas.
Suicide is a terrible thing. It may seem like a victimless solution to someone in the throes of depression, but to the grieving friends and family left behind, the loss is real and painful beyond imagination.
The only thing worse is to take someone with you. Murder is the ultimate act of selfishness. It is the mindless and irreversible assertion that your wants and needs outweigh those of anyone else. We will not be solving murder yet. But we will tackle the multiple victim murder sprees that are occurring at an alarming and increasing rate.
The people that commit these horrible acts are unbalanced, to say the least. They are susceptible to suggestion. They are lonely. Without anyone to love, they can only focus on themselves. They are lazy. Why get to the root of why everyone shuns them when they can just kill them off?
When one of these shootings (and it's always shootings, isn't it?) occurs, the media circus that erupts around it is like a beacon to their damaged minds: "I'm ignored. I'm going to die forgotten. Unless I kill the people that torment me, cementing my place in history." And then they kill themselves, in the ultimate act of cowardice.
You want to be remembered, douchebag? Fine, but it's going to be on our terms.
Here's the deal. The next time this happens (and it will; sorry, this isn't a quick fix), we report the story. Then we move on. There will be no in-depth fucking tutorial on how he bought the weapons and planned the attack. There will be no round-the-clock punditry blaming video games or junk food for the actions of an unloved, unimaginative idiot.
What will the 24-hour news networks do with all the extra time they aren't spending on this frivolous coverage? There will be these two essential follow-ups, and then the issue is buried with the dead.
First, a brief and respectful mourning for the loss of life and celebration of the lives of the victims.
Second, a vicious, relentless attack on the character of the perpetrator. Every name he was called, every pimple, every failure, every shortcoming as a human being, in short, everything that drove him to kill will be broadcast to the world.
The subsequent generations of potential spree murderers will not see an aloof killer who terrified the hearts of a nation. They will see all their worst fears come to life: Here's a picture of the killer when he was stood up by his prom date. Here's his 6th grade diary detailing his constant struggle with nocturnal emissions. Here's his expulsion letter from Space Camp.
In short order, spree killings will fade as the misanthropes realize that they will go down in history as that which they hate most: themselves.
Oh, also, we won't make it so goddamn easy to buy a handgun and/or automatic weapon when you have a documented history of mental instability and/or poor judgment. This will also help solve the problems of gang violence and Texas.
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